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Keep the heid
Posts: 12,570
Reply with quote  #16 
Originally Posted by michele
Hi Hag,

Thanks for the kind words. I will try to pop in, as I did miss you guys.

How old is your dad, Hag? Have you made arrangements for when he'll need greater care? 

From what I've seen of Dementia, I suppose it depends on the state of mind of the patient as to what's harder - family or loved one. You're right in that they don't know that they've got an altered reality, and often times it's very Twilight Zone-y there. But my dad is at the end stages (so the Dr. tells me) and not responding much. I don't know what's going on inside his head.

Glad to hear about the girl. You'll be calling her that when she's 50, lol. Good for her in her career. The tattoo, well, do you at least like the boyfriend? I hope so.

I was in and out when you were dieting but then was away for a long time. You are a great inspiration to others. 

We haven't been travelling so much, lately, but looking at your pics may get me going. I shall have a look at your pics, and send you a PM as well.

Just remembered you had a few questions here.  Dad is 88 and has basically given up.  I think he's 50% frail and 50% lazy tho lol  I shouldn't lol but if I didn't lol I'd be crying.  He is very demanding and demands his demands are met.  I try to get him to do stuff, little stuff like cutting his finger nails.  But he insists he has no ability for anything so does absolutely nothing but sit and watch TV.  He even has the inability to answer the door before 1.30pm because it upsets his routine.  What that is is only known to him.  I have arranged for nurses for home visits as his bloods are checked monthly.  But he refuses to answer the door because bloods have to be taken and submitted to the lab before lunch time so that's not convenient for him. His only other option is for me to take him to the surgery but he refuses to go.  Hence the nurses visiting him.   I managed to get him into very sheltered accommodation, which have onsite wardens.  His flat has safety cords etc so they get pulled if he needs assistance.  He also has a safety button one for round his neck.  That being the case, when the nurses turn up and he wont answer the door, the first thing they have to do is alert the wardens that there is no response which means someone has to come with a key to check everything is OK with him.  It  always is because he's just sitting in his chair refusing to move.  It's a waste of everyone's time as they have to call me also to alert me that he's not responding to knocking at his door and I need to be there when they go in.  Even after all that he complains to everyone for interrupting him!  He knows what he's doing and it's all very deliberate.  That's the minor stuff that goes on with him and it's all very deliberate.  When mum was ill with dementia and cancer we expected her to be the troublesome one and for dad to grow old more quietly.  It turns out mum, even with her terrible diseases, was much easier to deal with and dad has turned out to be a nightmare.   But it's true when they say roles are reversed.  The children become the parents/carers.  Unfortunately (woe is me coming up) I'm pretty much on my own dealing with him.  My brother and sister do very little to help and show no signs of being bothered so I'm the one constantly in his firing line.  And I'm in it on a daily basis.  We argue quite often.  Usually when I'm pushed too far by him.  He never has any regrets though, and I go home feeling guilty and bad.  But I can't just walk away as seems to be easy for many families.  I believe there are many aged people who are literally on their own.  I can maybe understand why, if they are as difficult as my father, but I still think it's wrong to turn you back on your parents, despite their behaviour.  Oh well, you did ask lol

The girl's boyfriend is nice enough I suppose but how can I put it?  She can do much better.  He's got little to offer her in terms of future stability.  He's in and out of work and she seems to be falling into his habits, especially where the tattooing come in.  She doesn't get that she can't change it later like a bad haircut or dye.  She thinks it's 'big' like some think of smoking or taking drugs.  It's not my thing whatsoever and it upsets me especially as she told me the other day she's going to get more of them.  You did ask lol

But she's working hard and enjoying her new job.  She's also liking that she's able to get on with it without supervision or permissions.  And they are giving her the space to carry out her ideas and work with the kids.  She was with the babies before but is now with the toddlers.  She enjoys the different routines they have and is getting them involved too with her ideas and suggestions.  She likes this nursery much more than her last, and it shows.  I was disappointed that she gave up her teaching dreams.  I thought it would have suited her better.  But she seems to have chosen well and gained a qualification that has opened up more doors for her should she wish to move on.  She can still go into schools with it but she really does seem to have settled into working with the little people.

You must get back into travelling.  We have been doing a lot of it over the past couple of years.  Since the girl was old enough to leave at home.  We had to do the beach/poolside holidays to keep her happy.  Now we can go to places and see it rather than just sit around.  So we have done lots of little trips here and there with a few bigger ones to the States.  Our favourite is San Francisco closely followed by Rome and Athens and The Sahara now tagged in there.  LOVED NYC and not forgetting Washington DC and Boston, where we went last year for Thanksgiving.  But it was closed lol  But We are enjoying the new freedom of doing what we want.  Keep posted and maybe we'll be near you one day.  We have pondered Toronto [wink] 


I love everybody.  Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid and others I'd love to punch in the face. <~~~~ for Jeff vid clips

Posts: 1,823
Reply with quote  #17 

Hi Hag,

I know how trying it is. I'm not a psychiatrist, but is it possible that your dad is suffering from some type of dementia as well? I know that in the earlier stages, my father's behaviour was odd, and we just chocked it off to old age and a very stubborn man. But now seeing the bigger picture, there was definitely more going on.

Would a baby monitor be helpful? That way you could at least listen in (or the caregivers) if your father is not answering the phone, or maybe a 2 way communication system, like a walkie-talkie?

Some of the stories I could tell you . . . One, my Dad cashed out of his investments because he was getting paranoid. They sent him a cheque for some ridiculous amount, and Allan and I wanted to take him to the bank. Allan was trying to explain to him what the check was (his money that he'd cashed out). Only he'd forgotten that he'd cashed out his account, and was showing the cheque to everyone. He refused to believe us that he'd taken out everything, and did not want to go with us to the bank to re-deposit. It was so surreal, and just one example of trying to help someone with Dementia.

My Dad and I used to argue often, as well. He would push to the limits, and Allan would get frustrated. I have more patience, but we'd back off for a few days, and then he was fine. Or sometimes we'd get there, and he was in a bad mood, so I'd say we should come back, later. That would snap him out of it. Also, I'd say, Dad, if you're going to talk to me like this, I'll come back at another time. No, no, he'd say, don't go.

But Hag, you should not feel guilty, my God, after everything you're doing?! Plus, you are doing the best you can and your dad is lucky to have you. I think it's important that you take care of yourself, also, and not just travelling, which is great, but also do things daily for yourself, read or whatever makes you happy and detox from it all. You have to take care of yourself.

As for The Girl, she's young, hopefully this one won't be forever. Jacqueline has us tearing our hair out when she was younger, some of the guys she went out with. Lisa, not so much, but both the girls are with really great guys right now. But still, you worry. I can’t say I’m a fan of tattoos, but they are really popular now. I’ve said to Jacqueline, remember when you liked Sailor Moon? How would you feel, now, if you were plastered with Sailor Moon all over your body? So far they don’t have tattoos, but Lisa wants to get one of a lily, for my mom. The thing is, my mom didn’t like tattoos, she just called Lisa Lily, (we call her Leelee as a nic-name). Lisa says if she has a girl she’s going to call her Lily.

Traveling, I know. But I do think it’s easier for you than us. We’ve been to New York 3 or 4 times (love it) San Francisco, loved it, lots of places in the States, Boston recently (beautiful) but Europe and Britain is so expensive right now. Also, we’ve just been into the home-body thing . . . new puppy, etc. We will probably go somewhere next winter/spring.

If you want to come to Toronto we’d be happy to be your personal tour guides. Oh, and I know a GREAT fish and chips place! I can cook, too! I wouldn’t suggest the Winter as it’s cold, lots of snow . . . but there’s tons to do here. Then you could go to Quebec and see Montreal, and Quebec City, which is really pretty. You could go further East from there, too, depending on how long you had, into Maine, which is beautiful. OR you could go up North, which is beautiful, too. Lots to see, here.

We live about an hour from Toronto, an hour from the falls. I love where we are because we are surrounded by nature, but the city is near. It’s pretty here. I am in a calm place in my life (for now, my Dad, not so much but I’ve learned to live with that) and would love to personally escort you around. There are lots of great places in the city, and with your dollar it would be cheap. You’d be most welcome, and we even have an extra room so you could make yourselves at home. J

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